This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
