I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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