Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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