I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
