Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
