I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
