every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
