I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
