how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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