All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
