Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
