Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
