I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
