I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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