non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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