did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize