I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
