Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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