Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
