We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
