So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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