My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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