We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize