I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I am spending my child support on dildos
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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