I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize