too bad you live with your parents still
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
