I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
