My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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