well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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