i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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