Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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