Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
