My first STD was from a foam party
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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