xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
