Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
