We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
