just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
