the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
