I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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