I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
