Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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