after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
