i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
