she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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