Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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