You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
