Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
