Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
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