everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
