Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
