I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
