you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
