Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
sex in a hospital.. check
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
