Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
