Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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