I just threw up on my dentist
4 words: hood of his car
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
