I wish my penis had an off switch
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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