I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
