no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize